pumpkinsparks
Junior Member
How did I not see the status thing before?
Posts: 85 
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Post by pumpkinsparks on Jul 25, 2013 5:59:40 GMT
Oh yeah, it's definitly is 'easier' if you're 100% gay or 100% straight. Easier as in, a lot of people don't believe that bi is actually a thing, but more a transition or state of confusion and have never heard of pan, and easier as in that it's already confusing to figure out that you're not straight, but to figure out "ok, it's not that I'm confused about my sexuality anymore, I generally like both" isn't easy... My question on the guy thing is: how much do you like him? Do you like him in a way that possibly could be romantic interest? Or do you know you only like him as a friend? Or did you just start thinking you might like him after he told you about his feelings? Or do you have a serious crush on him? He knows where you're at. If you decide to go out with him, and it turns out you ARE gay, he would be ludicrous of him to say he's ok with it first and then back out later. It is as if you would realize he just was a friend in the end, and end it. But in the end, it's your decision. My advice is only: Search your own feeling on how you feel about him. It doesn't have to be the exact definition of them, but at least a direction. The family thing sucks. I've never been in a situation like that growing up in a super open minded family and environment. I just hope that, no matter what you find out, it will be ok. There isn't really anything I can tell you to make it easier, other than: they might surprise you! Thank you. This was so helpful, i may not have all the answers but at least i now know where to start looking for them. As for the guy, I'll have to do some serious feeling searching but atleast i have a little courage now that if i decide that i do like him i can ask him out instead of not because I'm so afraid i'll hurt him. So, thank you, for the answers and the confidence  Always |
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kolo
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by kolo on Jul 25, 2013 8:26:55 GMT
It's ok to want answers. And it's totally understandable, that you don't want to hurt anyone by 'deciding on the wrong label' (stupid description, but I hope you know what I mean). But please don't forget, that sexuality isn't black and white and stable. It's fluid and has all the colours. You might find out that you're gay or straight and never have that conclusion challenged. But you also might be bi or pan, and just like 'em both. That's ok, too. It's also ok to experiment, while you're unsure. And if you find yourself in a situation like that, but you fear to move forward due to your confusion, than try to be open about it, and tell them that you're not sure. Sadly, it's easier if you find yourself in a homosexual relationship-possibility-situation, since most of us went through this period of confusion. Make the situation hetero and the partner might be a bit less understanding. Next 20 years roughly lined out? That is one heck of a planning you did there. I used to be the same way. I had it all planned out, and knew what I wanted to do, but then life interfered and it might just not work out the way you've planned. But that's ok. And it's ok to NOT know the gender of your future lifepartner at your age (if you're going to be a Junior, you're 16? Right?) Also, generally the plan should stay roughly the same with either gender at your side. In that context (well, imo, in all the contexts, but that's my pan speaking) gender is just a minor detail, like the haircolour or the height. And you probably didn't incorporate these details in your plan either  Hehe, the planning wasn't that hard, its just a rough line, as-in: vet school, military, then retire in the country. And although the gender of my life-partner wouldn't change this line, it would change allot of my family relationships. My father being very against gays and my mothers side of the family being quite conservative, i fear that if i find i'm gay i will be almost all but cut off from them if the day comes that i need to tell them. Luckily i know most of my friends would be ok with it so i have a good base to fall back to if that day ever comes. Which kind of leads me to this, I know my best friend (he's a guy) likes me. He has admitted it, even gone as far to say he loves me. We have known each other for over four years and a few months ago i warned him that i thought i might be gay and i didn't want to date him because i was worried i would end up hurting him. He actually took this quite well and said he was completely fine with it. I kind of wanted your opinion on whether i should give dating him a shot. I'm worried he'll thing that he is just a lab rat for me to determine my sexuality on or I'll just hurt him in the end. But i guess if i look at the other side of things, if it worked out, it would be so nice. I don't know, this isn't really a fair question to ask of a stranger xD but advice is always very nice Lastly, i understand sexuality isn't black and white, and it can change, but i think that's what scares me most about it. -max Hmm the guy situation is tricky. For me, I've found out that if I like someone in a romantic way that those feelings are just there naturally, and I don't really have to do much thinking to figure out if I want to date them. That said, with close friends it can be tricky as feelings towards them can be confusingly between romantic and platonic. It's also hard trying not to hurt people's feelings, especially if they say they are in love with you. You also have to remember that if you date them and it doesn't work out your friendship probably won't be the same afterward. If it were me (and as I know nothing about your friendship with this guy, so take with a pinch of salt!) if one of my friends was telling me they loved me and I wasn't sure about my feelings for them, I'd take that as a sign that I probably shouldn't be having a relationship with them as it would be too one-sided. I think it's important to be on more or less equal footing emotionally in relationships or it can lead to problems. But that's just me Also I'm sorry to hear that your family are so against gay people. I hope they are perhaps more understanding and tolerant if/when you decide to come out |
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Post by bertolli12 on Jul 29, 2013 5:18:26 GMT
So I just wanted to share with all of you the next step in my journey to figuring myself out. I'm pretty lucky to have some role models in the LGBT community. So tonight, I was able to go to one of these role models and her partner and come out to them. It was great to be able to say the words and make it more a real thing, not just thoughts in my head or words typed for strangers to read. I know now, for sure, that I have people that I can go to and who understand what I'm going through. I also wanted to thank those who responded to my earlier post who gave me support and encouragement. I'm so glad that I found this community!
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Post by rehabzombies on Aug 16, 2013 6:39:42 GMT
Well, I came out to my mum today. She wasn't sure how to react. She didn't really understand what I was talking about or what I meant. I came out as pansexual because it is what I am pretty sure I am upon closer thought. Ended up her crying, or well both of us. I am unsure how to feel, she said she will come around and such. I am glad it did go ok at least and I am glad I know at least I have friends to help support me.
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kolo
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by kolo on Aug 16, 2013 16:21:58 GMT
Well, I came out to my mum today. She wasn't sure how to react. She didn't really understand what I was talking about or what I meant. I came out as pansexual because it is what I am pretty sure I am upon closer thought. Ended up her crying, or well both of us. I am unsure how to feel, she said she will come around and such. I am glad it did go ok at least and I am glad I know at least I have friends to help support me. Glad it went okay for you! I think sexualities that are not gay/straight/bi are pretty hard to explain to people a lot of the time. I still haven't come out to anyone. I nearly came out to my Mum a few weeks ago but it just felt really awkward so I didn't. I think the thing is I don't want it to be a big deal, like an announcement or something. It's the same with my friends. I'm a very reserved person and I feel incredibly awkward talking about my sexuality. |
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Post by rehabzombies on Aug 17, 2013 0:24:42 GMT
Well, today when I was sitting downstairs on my laptop and she came home, everything was fine and the same, I guess my timing of telling her when she was a bit dazed by exhaustion wasn't the best, (though she did kindd of ask then too so I decided to come out with it.)
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rainbowmutt
Junior Member
No actually, I'm a mantaraytheist.
Posts: 73
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Post by rainbowmutt on Aug 17, 2013 1:05:19 GMT
Well, today when I was sitting downstairs on my laptop and she came home, everything was fine and the same, I guess my timing of telling her when she was a bit dazed by exhaustion wasn't the best, (though she did kindd of ask then too so I decided to come out with it.) Don't worry about telling her then, especially if she asked it. It sounds like she'll be fine and any awkwardness will go away as she gets used to the idea. You could write out a dictionary meaning for pansexual and leave it on the table for her to read or something maybe. Just so shes clear about it. |
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Post by rehabzombies on Aug 17, 2013 6:29:57 GMT
Well, today when I was sitting downstairs on my laptop and she came home, everything was fine and the same, I guess my timing of telling her when she was a bit dazed by exhaustion wasn't the best, (though she did kindd of ask then too so I decided to come out with it.) Don't worry about telling her then, especially if she asked it. It sounds like she'll be fine and any awkwardness will go away as she gets used to the idea. You could write out a dictionary meaning for pansexual and leave it on the table for her to read or something maybe. Just so shes clear about it. I sent her a few videos explaining how sexuality isn't just black and white, which is her 'issue' with it, she doesn't understand how someone could like genders or anything. Over all I think she is fine with it, and everything is normal and I am glad. :> |
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pumpkinsparks
Junior Member
How did I not see the status thing before?
Posts: 85
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Post by pumpkinsparks on Aug 17, 2013 9:01:55 GMT
Well, I came out to my mum today. She wasn't sure how to react. She didn't really understand what I was talking about or what I meant. I came out as pansexual because it is what I am pretty sure I am upon closer thought. Ended up her crying, or well both of us. I am unsure how to feel, she said she will come around and such. I am glad it did go ok at least and I am glad I know at least I have friends to help support me. I'm so proud of you! And I'm glad it went fairly well. It's weird, I'm out to (I think) everyone exept my family, even though I know that they'd be totally ok with it. I just don't want it to be an announcement. And I don't want to start a discussion on what pansexual really is and stuff. With my friends it came up naturally, when we were at a party, or when we discussed hot people, or whatever. But with my family? Since they don't really think in genderroles when I would say that some girl is super hot, all they'd say is "yeah, she is" or "mmmh, she wouldn't be my type". So yeah... Somehow it's harder to come out to them then I thought... Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm really glad you're experience was ok-ish <3 |
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jrry
New Member
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Post by jrry on Aug 22, 2013 2:26:51 GMT
So...I've been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years. And I've been toying around with "what the hell am I" in terms of sexuality since I was maybe...14-15? Anyway, I think he knows this because its always caused a few bumps in our road. We were joking around once about celebrities we would bang and I said a female actress and confessed I've fantasised about her before and he got upset saying that being sexually attracted to the same gender makes you flat out gay. (Which at the time I thought was true so panicked). Anyway, yesterday he finally asked "after me, do you think you'll be gay". To be honest I just don't know anymore. I couldn't even say yes or no. I tried to be cute about it saying "well if I can't find another boy just like you..." But yeah I just don't know. I mean to be honest I started off as romantically attracted to boys and sexually attracted to girls. But I think that's changing now I'm older i can see myself with a girlfriend. Anyway I'm 21 and it's frustrating that i STILL can't work myself out. I don't think this is even a question but I need some kind of help.
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kolo
Junior Member
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Post by kolo on Aug 22, 2013 12:24:25 GMT
So...I've been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years. And I've been toying around with "what the hell am I" in terms of sexuality since I was maybe...14-15? Anyway, I think he knows this because its always caused a few bumps in our road. We were joking around once about celebrities we would bang and I said a female actress and confessed I've fantasised about her before and he got upset saying that being sexually attracted to the same gender makes you flat out gay. (Which at the time I thought was true so panicked). Anyway, yesterday he finally asked "after me, do you think you'll be gay". To be honest I just don't know anymore. I couldn't even say yes or no. I tried to be cute about it saying "well if I can't find another boy just like you..." But yeah I just don't know. I mean to be honest I started off as romantically attracted to boys and sexually attracted to girls. But I think that's changing now I'm older i can see myself with a girlfriend. Anyway I'm 21 and it's frustrating that i STILL can't work myself out. I don't think this is even a question but I need some kind of help. I don't think being attracted to the same gender makes you "flat out gay". Many people are attracted to both genders and identify as bisexual, or disregard labels and see their sexuality as fluid. That said, I do understand the frustration in trying to figure yourself out, especially when you're older. I only came out to myself as gay recently, and I'm 23! I think for me, as a teenager I was always trying so hard to fit in and be "normal", and in our heternormative society that often means being straight. It was only when I got older and moved out to live on my own that I gained the self-confidence to be true to myself. I hope you figure things out soon |
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luu
New Member
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Post by luu on Aug 23, 2013 23:03:01 GMT
Hey! So, I've read most of your stories and I'd like to share mine. I'm argentinian, and things are quite different here.
I'll explain. In Argentina you can get married to whoever you want. So, being gay shouldnt be an issue, but yet we don't have the community of 'lgbtq' as you do, therefore I first met a gay lady last year (she's the owner of my nearest bar and she asked me out).
I started thinking I was different when I was 16, but only thought about it when I was drunk and tried to deny it when I was sober.
I wish one of you lived here so you could get where I'm coming from, but I still wanted to share my story because you've been more than supportive in this whole thing weather you are aware of it or not.
Now I'm 19, have had several crushes on girls and have had boyfriends and stuff, but I'm getting kind of tired of hidding who I am. The thing is I'd like to be in a relationship w/ a girl before I come out because I think it would make it much easier.
Thank you all for sharing,
Lu.
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pumpkinsparks
Junior Member
How did I not see the status thing before?
Posts: 85
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Post by pumpkinsparks on Aug 25, 2013 7:22:27 GMT
Hey! So, I've read most of your stories and I'd like to share mine. I'm argentinian, and things are quite different here. I'll explain. In Argentina you can get married to whoever you want. So, being gay shouldnt be an issue, but yet we don't have the community of 'lgbtq' as you do, therefore I first met a gay lady last year (she's the owner of my nearest bar and she asked me out). I started thinking I was different when I was 16, but only thought about it when I was drunk and tried to deny it when I was sober. I wish one of you lived here so you could get where I'm coming from, but I still wanted to share my story because you've been more than supportive in this whole thing weather you are aware of it or not. Now I'm 19, have had several crushes on girls and have had boyfriends and stuff, but I'm getting kind of tired of hidding who I am. The thing is I'd like to be in a relationship w/ a girl before I come out because I think it would make it much easier. Thank you all for sharing, Lu. Coming out without a person by your side is a little bit harder. If you have a girlfriend, or if you fell for a girl, some people might except the fact that you're gay easier. From people that don't know me that well, I've heard a lot of "are you sure? How do you know, you never even dated someone? Maybe you just think, that if you can't get a boy, you must be gay?" It blew over quickly, but I'm quite eloquent and outspoken about my thought processes and sexuality. My general advice would still be: if you think it's safe, and you think you're ready to, come out! It's SUCH a good feeling to be able to be yourself (as stupid as that sounds) Even for me, who grew up in a ridiculously liberal and open-minded environment, coming out was still liberating. I have a question though. In Argentina, is society in general open to gayness? Just because there is a law that everyone can get married, doesn't necessarily mean, that the people are cool with it. And follow-up question, how does your family and friends feel about homosexuality? It's ok if you don't want to answer. The first question just really interests me. And the second is a huge factor in the "should I come out" question. |
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